The End

[duane_kc]

Well, today it happened; the event I've been hoping to avoid for over a year. Missy finally broke up wih me. She says it wasn't my continued joblessness; it's "a lot of little things", according to her, most of which she can't articulate.

This isn't going to devolve into so much emotional blackmail; I'm not going to sit here and declare that I can't live without her, and hope she reads it and comes back to me. She's free to do what she feels she needs to, I have no hold on her soul. I don't know how I'm going to live without her, but I'm not going to try to drag her back if she doesn't want to stay. I've fucked up my own life enough, no need to screw up hers.

I've been happy for the first time in my life. It wasn't the sex; Goddess knows, I've been happy just to have her in my life. I'm not shallow enough to mistake lust for love. It was more...the intimacy. For the first time, I had someone who I could talk to, who had more than superficial feelings for me, who I could share life with.

Gods above, it hurts. I've known for a year it couldn't last. She's 20 years old; it was inevitable that she'd outgrow me. I hoped it wouldn't happen. I PRAYED it wouldn't happen.

But it happened.

I told her just after we got together that I'd love her as long as she'd let me.

I was wrong.

I'll love her forever, whether she loves me or not.

Comments

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

... I'm sorry.

[duane-kc.livejournal.com]

Thanks, 'Song.

[piscescathi.livejournal.com]

I still love ya. I know it hurts....I'm sorry. *hugs*

[duane-kc.livejournal.com]

Thanks, Cathi.

[piscescathi.livejournal.com]

Anytime. :)

[ladyariyana.livejournal.com]

{{{bearhug sweetie}}}} love you anyway... will hug you for real in May or June...
and if you ever need to talk...

[duane-kc.livejournal.com]

Thanks a lot, Ari. I know where to find you; I don't know if I'll be doing St. Louis this year or not. Depends on the job situation.

[kcwitch.livejournal.com]

sorry to hear about that. i know letting someone you love go hurts a lot, but you know what they always say. people come into your life for either a reason, a season, or a life time. still i know that isn't much solace but it's the best i can offer.

[duane-kc.livejournal.com]

Thanks, Mikki. Ain't a whole lotta solace anybody can offer at the moment; I've just gotta learn to live with it.

[kcwitch.livejournal.com]

i know what you mean. i had suffered a loss too but turns out that it was a good thing cuz just a few months later i found mac and we have been together for almost 11 years now.

[airneail.livejournal.com]

I'm really really sorry. :( I don't know what else to say, other than..well, let me know if you need anything.

[duane-kc.livejournal.com]

Thanks, Ais. [weak grin] I know where to find you if I do need anything, but I don't think I'll be in your neck of the woods anytime soon.

[chainwoman.livejournal.com]

*hugs* Love you! I'm here if you need me.

[duane-kc.livejournal.com]

Thanks, love. I'm just sorta numb right now...

[chainwoman.livejournal.com]

So, where are you?!?!

[duane-kc.livejournal.com]

Down at my Mom's place in Topeka. I just started driving and didn't realize I was coming down here until I was in Lawrence. Dad took one look at the front tire on the bike and declared that I wasn't going back until he had time to get it replaced, so I'm going to be here until at least Tuesday afternoon.

[chainwoman.livejournal.com]

Well, I'm happy that you are okay.

I'm so sorry...

[bountifulpots.livejournal.com]

to you. If there's anything I can do, just give me a call.

Re: I'm so sorry...

[duane-kc.livejournal.com]

Thanks a lot, darlin'. I know where to find you if I need a shoulder to cry on...